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December 4, 2009
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(Contains: sexual themes)
--Twilight--

Cinderpelt: So what did you want to tell me?
Bluestar: Well, we were kinda looking through prophecies and junk, and we found some stuff, and... It looks like YOU'RE GOING TO DIE SOON.
Cinderpelt: Oh, okay.
Bluestar: You're really okay with this?
Cinderpelt: Meh, fate is fate.  I haven't bothered putting up any resistance to any of the other tragedies in my life.  In fact you could even say I'm partly responsible for Firestar falling in love with Sandstorm.
Bluestar: ...I see.  Well, we're glad you don't even bother trying to fight fate, it's what makes you a great medicine cat.

Leafpool: *Having an arousing dream about Crowfeather.  I'm serious, this actually happens.* Crowfeather...
Cinderpelt: Is something the matter?
Leafpool: Gah! N-no...
Cinderpelt: Are you sure?  I heard you moaning, and your fur is standing on end...
Leafpool: I-I have...medicine cat...stuff...to do...
Cinderpelt: Really?  Do you need my help?
Leafpool: NO!... It, uh... requires...running at a moderately fast pace...uh yeah...
Cinderpelt: ...It's so obvious now, it's not even funny...

*As Sorreltail leaves after talking to Leafpool in the bush on the WindClan border*
Leafpool: Great, now she thinks I have some sort of berry fetish or something...

Leafpool: You didn't see any WindClan cats, did you?  Like-like Crowfeather, for instance?
Squirrelflight: Why? Do you have the hots for Crowfeather or something?
Leafpool: N-NO!  YOU CAN'T PROVE ANYTHING!
Squirrelflight: ...Calm down, it was just a joke.
Leafpool: Oh... yeah... I knew that.  I have...medicine cat...stuff...to do...

Leafpool: Great StarClan!  It's Feathertail, back from the dead to haunt me about having impure thoughts about Crowfeather!
Feathertail: No, I don't mind for some reason.  He's great isn't he?
Leafpool: Yeah... I mean... Shut up!

Leafpool: Yay! I made it a whole chapter without thinking about Crowfeather!
Feathertail: You just mentioned him now...
Leafpool: Mouse dung!
Feathertail: He's got a nice ass, doesn't he?
Leafpool: ...Shut up...

Mothwing: Huh? What's Crowfeather doing here?
Crowfeather: I want a word with Leafpool, if you don't mind.
Leafpool: ...
Mothwing: mrrow I get it. See you, Leafpool. *leaves*
Leafpool: *dying of embarrassment*
*20 minutes later*
Mothwing: Wait a minute... Leafpool and Crowfeather... She's a... and he's from... mouse dung! Why am I so slow!?

Daisy: What happened to your face?
Brightheart: The same thing that's going to happen to yours if you don't shut up.

Leafpool: They're beautiful.  Have you given them names yet?
Daisy: Yes.  The one with cream fur like mine is Berry, the bigger gray one is Mouse, and the smallest one is Hazel.
Leafpool: Those will work very well as Clan names.  Here they'll be Berrykit, Mousekit, and Hazelkit.  I'll let Firestar know.
Daisy: B-but I liked their old names...
Leafpool: Well those are their names now.  Deal with it.

Crowfeather: *staring at Leafpool*
Webfoot: What are you staring at her for?  Aren't there enough cats in WindClan for you to be padding after?
Crowfeather: What are you talking about?  There's only three she cats listed in this book's Allegiances for our clan.  One has already had kits, so she is probably already taken, and another is my mom, so that leaves only Nightcloud.
Webfoot: The Allegiances don't list every single cat.  I think Vicky even said so herself.
Crowfeather: Then what about all the random warriors appearing in the allegiances in Power of Three even though they haven't made actual appearances?
Tornear: Great StarClan, stop breaking the fourth wall, you two.  And Webfoot, this is Squirrelflight's sister, remember?  Squirrelflight who Crowfeather went on the journey with?
Crowfeather: Oh, uh, yeah.  Right.  Whew... really dodged a bullet there...
Tornear: What was that?
Crowfeather: Nothing!

Leafpool: I feel kind of useless now that you've got your sister to help you.
Cinderpelt: My sister? I've only got Brightheart helping me.
Leafpool: She is your sister.
Cinderpelt: Really? Are you sure?

Hawkfrost: My dad is smarter than your dad!
Brambleclaw: We have the same dad, idiot.
Hawkfrost: Yeah, but mine's smarter!

Mousekit: That ugly cat scared me!
Brightheart: Why I haven't beaten that bitch and her spoiled kits senseless yet, I'll never know.

Cinderpelt: As for Crowfeather, I can't say I'm surprised.  Do you think I haven't noticed the two of you at Gatherings?  Don't think I didn't notice you sneaking into the bushes last time, either.
Leafpool: Wha- No!  We just walked through the bushes to get to the shore!
Cinderpelt: Then why did they start rustling?
Leafpool: That was the wind!
Cinderpelt: As in WindClan, which Crowfeather is from?
Leafpool: ...Shut up...
Cinderpelt: Well anyway, my point is: I totally called that one.

Leafpool: You can't possibly understand!  You've never been in love!  It's easy for you, you've never wanted anything else.
Cinderpelt: That's not true!
Leafpool: Oh yeah, what!?
Cinderpelt: Your father!...
*awkward silence*
Leafpool: ...What?
Cinderpelt: If it wasn't for my stupid gimp leg, I would probably be your mother.
Leafpool: What!?
Cinderpelt: I knew this would be awkward... You must feel like a total bitch right now.
Leafpool: Well... I'm still running away!
Cinderpelt: No!

Leafpool: Is everyone I seek spiritual guidance from in love with my father?
Spottedleaf: Now that you mention it, yes.

Leafpool: Where should we go?
Crowfeather: Not towards the forest.  We'd end up in the mountains, or somewhere with too many Twolegs.
Leafpool: But what about Ravenpaw and Barley's barn?
Crowfeather: I don't think so.  Their barn was on my territory, so I have an idea of what goes on in there.  I don't think they would like us to intrude.
Leafpool: Why?
Crowfeather: Let's just say they're living alone for the same reasons we are.
Leafpool: But they're both...oh...

Crowfeather: Wait... Midnight.  If your den is in the direction the sun sets, why did we bump into you if we're going in the direction of the rising sun?
Midnight: Do not know.  Perhaps I have talk with kin who live this direction, and came around lake before book.  Plot hole could also be.
Crowfeather: Okay...  Never mind all that.  C'mon, Leafpool, let's go.  We haven't made out in, like, five whole minutes.

*Crowfeather starts randomly making out with Leafpool (heh-heh).*
Sorreltail: Oh, get a room, you two! ... And Leafpool, before you do that, would you mind HELPING ME GIVE BIRTH!?

*After Cinderpelt dies*
Cinderpelt: Well everybody, I'm ready to go to StarClan.
Bluestar: Sorry, but you're not going to StarClan.
Cinderpelt: What?
Bluestar:  As a reward for your life of service, we've decided to randomly cram your spirit somewhere into your niece's preconscious.
Cinderpelt: What?  But I was only okay with dying because I thought I was going to StarClan!
Bluestar: Well, now you're just going to barely exist.  Have fun with that.
Cinderpelt: This is supposed to be a reward!?

---  ---
You know what time it is?

That’s right, time for more of my Warriors Abridged stuff!

Today I’m covering Twilight, or as I like to call it “the LeafxCrow Bible”, as it focuses so heavily on my OTP of OTPs.

In the prologue, we are introduced to an unidentified cat... Well, we’ve all read the book here, so I might as well come out and say it’s Cinderpelt. We see Cinderpelt being told by StarClan that she is going to die soon. Apparently, Vicky wrote this bit after she was diagnosed with a terminal disease, making it some kind of combination of writing and method acting. Of course, unlike Cinderpelt, Vicky didn’t actually die.

Leafpool and Squirrelflight, the protagonists of this particular book, are faced with difficult choices. Leafpool, now a full medicine cat, has to cope with her newfound feelings for Crowfeather (makeoutwithCrowfeathermakeoutwithCrowfea thermakeoutwithCrowfeather), and Squirrelflight has to decide whether or not she should try to preserve her relationship with Brambleclaw, even if he is so interested in his half-brother.

You know, when I first started reading through this book, I was thinking: “Oh, goodie. We get Squirrelflight’s POV. Maybe now her fight with Brambleclaw won’t seem so one-sided”, but then, a few chapters later, I was thinking: “No... She’s still being a total bitch...”

That’s right. Squirrelflight is still arguing with Brambleclaw over literally everything. At this point, I don’t really blame Brambleclaw for wanting to spend time with Hawkfrost. Brothershipping is actually my favourite slash pairing, so for me, the more unnecessary amounts of attention Brambleclaw gives Hawkfrost instead of his failing heterosexual relationship, the better.

Meanwhile, Ashfur is taking this opportunity to get closer to Squirrelflight. This makes him the third senior warrior to want to get in her pants, making one wonder only cats that are at least a year older than her find her attractive.

As for Leafpool, she continues to try to control her feelings for Crowfeather, but fails miserably, including what can best be described as an erotic dream about him. It’s just one of those scenes in this book that I read as much as I can.

I can’t really talk much about the LeafxCrow scenes without going into a rant about why I love this pairing so much, or possibly even an analysis of their relationship, so I’ll try and keep them out of this summary.

Well, it seems despite the whole attempted coup thing in the previous book, Onestar seems to be doing a fine job as leader of WindClan. And now for some reason, he’s a total prick.

I guess this is trying to assert WindClan’s independence, but he does kind of push it a bit. I may be getting ahead of myself, but he was also a colossal asshole in Eclipse. Yeah, he kinda crossed the line where his actions could be considered “asserting his independence” about five miles back in that book.

While helping Mothwing deal with the ramifications of a chemical spill in RiverClan territory, Leafpool also gets a glimpse of Hawkfrost spreading around anti-Mistyfoot sentiments, part of his incredibly slow and, as-of-yet, perfectly legal plan to seize power (it’s okay, you can boss me around, Hawkeh.).

We also see him hanging out with Blackclaw. Now, I know Blackclaw is just a very minor character, so he doesn’t get any opportunities to be as blatantly gay as Darkstripe, but he is pretty much Hawkfrost’s Darkstripe. They’re totally canon. Why this isn’t a pairing yet, I’ll never know.

In another little subplot, Squirrelflight goes off to help ShadowClan deal with some troublesome kittypets.

A patrol from both ShadowClan and ThunderClan manage to convince the kittypets to stop bothering them. Squirrelflight was hoping the experience would help her and Brambleclaw to become close again, but it doesn’t really work.

Still struggling with her feelings for Crowfeather, Leafpool is sent to the Dark Forest in a dream, where she sees Brambleclaw and Hawkfrost talking to Tigerstar. Scared out of her wits, and wishing she was in that really suggestive dream about Crowfeather instead, Leafpool flees, and comes out of the dream somewhat suspicious of Brambleclaw.

Now, it’s the night of the Gathering, and Onestar decides to call RiverClan and ShadowClan out on getting help from ThunderClan, also using it as an opportunity to pretty much say “Hey guys, I’ve decided to be a total dick now”.

While no one is looking, Leafpool and Crowfeather sneak off into the bushes to make out, and Crowfeather proposes that they meet the next night at the stream on the border between their Clans’ territories. Leafpool once again has an internal dispute between her Clan loyalties and Crowfeather, and, as usual, Crowfeather wins, no contest.

Some days pass, and Leafpool has been making out with Crowfeather almost every night, until Cinderpelt catches them. Of course, she doesn’t come out of her hiding place until Leafpool hears her make a noise, which makes me wonder if she was going to stay hidden and just watch them (heh, voyeurism).

Leafpool then confronts Cinderpelt about how she doesn’t know how she feels and has never been in love, causing Cinderpelt to snap. This scene is almost hilariously ironic because, as most people well versed in Word-of-God-related canon can tell you, Cinderpelt has always been in love with Firestar. Ouch.

Of course, Cinderpelt doesn’t actually mention it, probably to spare Leafpool the awkwardness of knowing her mentor wants to get into her father’s pants.

Easily outrunning Cinderpelt (seriously, what made Cinderpelt think she could actually chase someone?), Leafpool eventually meets up with Crowfeather again. They decide to run away together, so they won’t have to deal with Clan boundaries keeping them apart.

After some chapters of WindClan and ThunderClan running around like chickens with their heads cut off trying to find them, as well as a bit of Brambleclaw and Squirrelflight’s relationship gradually improving, we come back to Leafpool and Crowfeather somewhere on the hills outside of WindClan territory.

We are informed that they have been travelling all day, even though neither of them got any sleep the previous night. It makes one wonder what they were doing that night that caused them to lose so much sleep. I can think of only three possibilities: Mating, sex, or fornication. Take your pick. (:jackdirt:)

They eventually bump into Midnight the badger, despite the fact that they were heading in the exact opposite direction from where she lives, and she informs them that a horde of badgers are going to attack ThunderClan.

They decide to let the Clans deal with this problem themselves, as they are too busy consummating their relationship to help them. However, in the middle of the night, Leafpool has a nightmare of Cinderpelt crying out for help, and they both decide to go back and help their Clanmates.

Of course, they’re too late, and the attack is well underway when they get there. Leafpool was also too late to save Cinderpelt.

With her two-page long dying breath, Cinderpelt tells Leafpool about how she knew all along that she was going to die, but that she couldn’t stop Leafpool from running away. After Leafpool asks why, Cinderpelt tells her that she couldn’t have forced her to do anything, and that one shouldn’t try to change their destiny, but have to courage to live with it.

That may seem like a bad lesson, but in the context of this series, it kinda makes sense. It’s best to just not rock the boat, since the more involved in the plot you are, the higher your chances of repeatedly being struck by tragedy.

Now with Cinderpelt dead, Leafpool is the only medicine cat in ThunderClan, and pretty much their only hope of survival considering they’re getting torn apart by badgers, so she can’t run away with Crowfeather.

They decide that they should go their separate ways, and I die a little inside. At least this scene contains enough raw emotion to warrant being read over and over again.

Now what I don’t get is that apparently Crowfeather somehow interprets this as Leafpool betraying him, which is really weird considering it was, y’know, mostly his idea.
He could be thinking about her saying they can never see each other again in the next book, but in that scene it’s very explicitly stated that he didn’t protest. Oh well.

ThunderClan manages to drive to badgers out with WindClan’s help, and Onestar has a few lines about how WindClan was returning a favour, and that it was the right thing for them to help ThunderClan, which is weird, because he’s not any less of a dick after this.

Also, thanks to the battle, Brambleclaw and Squirrelflight have finally remembered how much they care for each other. It’s amazing what a life-or-death situation can do for a relationship. Of course, Brambleclaw still spends time with Hawkfrost after this, so nothing has really changed.

So basically, Squirrelflight’s life has gotten better in almost all the same areas Leafpool’s is failing in. Really, Leafpool’s situation in general is just really depressing.

Well, at least Leafpool is not dead. She probably wishes she was, but she isn’t.

That’s pretty much the way Warriors works: “Well, our lives have officially been ruined in almost every way imaginable, but at least we’re not dead. Let’s just try to make the best of what little we have left.”

Warriors: You don’t win. You break even. At best.



Inspired by YuGiOh the Abridged Series by LittleKuriboh (CardGamesFTW)

I DO NOT OWN THESE CHARACTERS!

All characters are from WARRIORS by Erin Hunter
WARRIORS is © Harper Collins
Add a Comment:
 
:icongalaxygirl45:
galaxygirl45 Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
Leafpool you want crowfeather that badly?
Reply
:iconkatrishka113:
katrishka113 Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2013  Student Artist
Hawkfrost: MY DAD IS SMARTER THAN YOUR DAD!

Brambleclaw: we have the same dad...

Hawkfrost: yeah, but MINES smarter!
Reply
:iconbdhk-legit:
BDHK-Legit Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012   Traditional Artist
omg hilarious as hell!
Reply
:iconpoemonfanzo:
Poemonfanzo Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2012  Student Filmographer
Every cat Leafpool wants guidance from is in love with Firestar.
Reply
:iconmjitbpe310:
MJITBPE310 Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2012
my dad is smarter than your dad!
we have the same dad...
Reply
:iconchlnch:
CHlNCH Featured By Owner Jun 22, 2012
My dad is smarter than your dad!

I couldn't stop laughing at that.
Reply
:iconcupcaketeakitten:
CupcakeTeaKitten Featured By Owner May 29, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Lol...
Daisy: OMFG WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOUR FACE?!
Me: Calm de f*ck down... It's just Brightheart... (I was so furious when Daisy said that DX)
Lol Brightheart PWND that one XDDD
Reply
:iconreikiemery:
Reikiemery Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
LOL Why I haven't beaten that bitch and her spoiled kits senseless yet, I'll never know. XD
Reply
:iconalwogirl:
Alwogirl Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2011
OMG! This stuff would make THE. BEST. WARRIORS SPOOFS ON YOUTUBE!
Somebody's SO gotta do that!
Reply
:iconthejumpingkoi:
thejumpingkoi Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2011
-is dead from laughter at how hilarious this is-
Reply
Add a Comment: