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Literature by Hallowfoot


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November 28, 2009
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(Contains: sexual themes)
--Long Shadows--

Jaypaw: That's what I was saying.  Sure, we can't do without the warrior code, but there are times when it's right to break it.  Great StarClan!  When we were kits, didn't we hear stories about Firestar breaking the warrior code if he thought it was right?
Lionblaze: If that's the case, couldn't we just ditch the warrior code and live our lives based on right and wrong?
Hollyleaf: BLASPHEMY! *bitch slap*

Dawnpaw: Why not feed them poppy seeds and drag them to the place?
Flamepaw: Yes!  Drugging people solves all problems!

Lionblaze: Wait, so we're going to get ShadowClan to believe in StarClan again by ripping freaking trees out of the ground?
Jaypaw: Yes.  Yes we are.
Lionblaze: Awesome.

*After one of Lionblaze's dreams about Heathertail*
Lionblaze: I don't want to kill her in a HORRIBLY violent fashion, just a MILDLY violent fashion.

Jaypaw: Wait...  Didn't Millie say she got shots so she couldn't get sick?  How does she have Greencough now?
Leafpool: I dunno, maybe they wore off.  Or it's just a plot hole.

*Cats meeting in StarClan*
Silverstream: Random Silverstream cameo!
Bluestar: Um, yeah.  Good for you.

Jaypaw: The silver cat who died...
Graystripe: Which one?  My mate or my daughter?  Too many silver and gray cats die in this series...

*Jayfeather leaving to walk in Kestrelpaw's dream*
Leafpool: *talking in her sleep* Mmmm... Crowfeather...  Is that your tail, or are you just happy to see me? ...
Jaypaw: Ummm...

Kestrelpaw: Hi, Jaypaw!
Jaypaw: Ummm... Aren't you at all surprised to see me in your dreams?
Kestrelpaw: No, not at all.  You're in my dreams every night.
Jaypaw: What?
Kestrelpaw: So where do you wanna do it tonight?
Jaypaw: WHAT!?

Jaypaw: (I always though Kestrelpaw was stupid, but Great StarClan, is he STUPID!)

Firestar: Graystripe, if Millie's paws are truly set on the path to StarClan, then I'll send for you to say good-bye.  I promise you.
Graystripe: Well that doesn't cheer me up at all!

Dark Whiskers: What's going on here?
Stone Song: Oh, it's you Dark Whiskers.  Jay's Wing has had a dream about stone hills and falling water, and then Half Moon started trying to mate with him...
Jaypaw: I... feel... so... AWKWARD!

Jaypaw: *looking at Owl Feather* (She looks just like Kestrelpaw... Only the opposite gender... This is so scarring...)

*Jaypaw at the casting of the stones*
Jaypaw: What sort of way is this to run a Clan?  Democracy?  I've never heard of anything so ridiculous in my life!

Leafpool: Where's Jaypaw?
Hollyleaf: He's out playing with his stick.
Leafpool: Oh... I see... Well, it is tough when you realise that as a medicine cat, you can't take a mate.  I should know how hard it is to resist urges.  I mean, whenever Crowfeather starts acting edgy, it gets me all...
Hollyleaf: What does this have to do with that stick Jaypaw found out by the lake?
Leafpool: Oh, you meant... Right, yes. Erm, please disregard everything you just heard.
Hollyleaf: But I don't even...
Leafpool: DISREGARD!

Leafpool: You should take every chance you can to be a good father.  It's even better than being a mentor.
Spiderleg: No such thing!

Heathertail: Go, and don't come back.  You can take the catmint.  I've no quarrel with ThunderClan; I don't want to see cats suffer, whatever you might think.
Lionblaze: If you don't care about me taking the catmint, why the hell did you bother following and confronting me like this?
Heathertail: I dunno, maybe I'm just a bitch.

Brambleclaw: Jaypaw, can I have a word?
Jayfeather: Sure, and it's Jayfeather now.
*silence*
Brambleclaw: Yeah, sure, whatever... Well as I was saying...

Ashfur: I have no quarrel with Brambleclaw.
Lionblaze: *whispering* That's not what it sounds like to me.  
Ashfur: I couldn't care less about Brambleclaw, it's not his fault he fell for a faithless she-cat.  I know you think I've never forgiven Brambleclaw for stealing you from me, but you're wrong, and so is every cat that thinks so.  My quarrel is with you Squirrelflight.  It always has been.
Squirrelflight: Wait, WHAT?  If this was about Brambleclaw, you could get away with just being a psychotic jerk, but now you're... I don't know what!  You're not even making any sense anymore!

Ashfur: Upset?  I'm not upset.  You have no idea how much pain I'm in.  It's like being cut open every day and bleeding onto the stones.  I can't understand how any of you failed to see the blood...
Squirrelflight: Oh, shut up.  Just because you came up with an extremely emo metaphor for your pain doesn't mean it justifies several counts of attempted murder.  I mean, you're better off than a lot of characters in this series...

Hollyleaf: I knew it! There's nothing special about us!  You're just really good at fighting, and as for Jayfeather -- well he's a medicine cat, of course he's going to have dreams!
Lionblaze: But I'm unnaturally strong, plus that doesn't explain how I feel when I fight either...
Jayfeather: Also, I can sense feelings, walk in other cats' dreams, and I know stuff other medicine cats don't.  How can you explain that?
Hollyleaf: SHUT UP!  I'm trying to temporarily resolve the conflict!
Jayfeather: You're just jealous because you haven't discovered your powers yet...
Hollyleaf: SHUT UP!

Lionblaze: I can beat you in a fight if I have to.
Ashfur: "Beat me in a fight"?  Don't you mean kill me?  Who do you think you are, a character in an anime dubbed by 4Kids?

Ashfur: Are you threatening me?  I could break your neck with one swipe.
Jayfeather: What? Um, no.  No one could do that.  That is actually physically impossible.
Ashfur: Sorry, I'm new to the whole "evil" thing...

Dustpelt: It's Ashfur.
Jayfeather: *fist pump* YES!  He's dead!
Dustpelt: What was that?
Jayfeather: I mean...  How...sad...

Brackenfur: Are you saying one of us killed Ashfur?
Firestar: No, but it sounds like someone has a guilty conscious... BRACKENFUR!
Brackenfur: Gah!  I-I didn't...
Firestar: Ha, I was just joking! ... But seriously, one of us is a murderer.

Jayfeather: This is like that episode of The Simpsons where Maggie shot Mr. Burns...  Except replace "Mr. Burns" with "Ashfur", and "shot" with "tore open his throat and pushed him into a river".

---  ---
Hello, everyone.

As promised, I’m uploading some of my tPoT abridged stuff, because it is somewhat meatier.

So here is Long Shadows:

With Sol now in charge, ShadowClan has decided to abandon faith in StarClan. Apparently, freedom of religion is absolutely horrible, and Hollyleaf is afraid of what will happen. The fact that they meet a patrol of ShadowClan warriors that seem to be supportive of Sol’s views scares her even more. Because Sol must be manipulating them. There is simply no chance that they might, y’know, actually believe this stuff of their own free will.

Armed with this relatively misaimed viewpoint, she urges Jaypaw and Lionblaze to help her to get ShadowClan to believe in the warrior code again, because in her mind, not believing in it means voluntarily breaking every single one of its rules and abandoning any sense of decency.

Although Jaypaw and Lionblaze are busy with their blindness and tendency for sickening violence respectively, they decide to help out after seeing what is going on in ShadowClan camp, and Tawnypelt and her kits come to ThunderClan to escape Sol. Y’know, so far only Littlecloud, Tawnypelt, and her kits seem to disapprove of Sol. He’s got a higher approval rating than Bush did...

Now allied with their parallel-ShadowClan-clones, the Three head to ShadowClan with a plan to take Sol out of power, so that ShadowClan won’t trespass into other Clans’ territories to rape medicine cats on the full moon while abusing kits and starving the elders, or whatever Hollyleaf thought they would get up to without the warrior code.

After their plan succeeds, Jaypaw busies himself with a Greencough epidemic that has broken out in ThunderClan, and trying to make sense of the plot. Like he always does when he has a problem, he looks to the stick for a solution, and he ends up temporarily in past.

He meets up with cats that are apparently the Tribe of Rushing Water’s ancestors, just without the accents. His Clan accent somehow not standing out among all Ancient Tribe accents that these cats should theoretically have, Jaypaw discovers how their society works, and how they became the Tribe.

Meanwhile, Lionblaze spends most of his time being tortured by horrifically violent nightmares of him killing Heatherpaw sent to him by Tigerstar, who can apparently control dreams now. This seems to suggest he is getting stronger, making us think “Hmmm, maybe we should have, y’know, done something about him earlier, back when he couldn’t do crazy stuff like this.”

Jaypaw manages to cure the Greencough epidemic by getting Lionblaze to steal some catmint from WindClan, and saves Millie, since considering how much Graystripe seems to care about her, killing her now would be a dick move even by the Erins’ standards. It seems that all of the conflicts outside of anything that has to do with the prophecy have been resolved, until a somewhat contrived series of events leads Ashfur to be in a situation where he finally has everything he has apparently wanted for the entire series.

He doesn’t just get an opportunity to kill Squirrelflight’s kits, it’s a slow, painful death, and Squirrelflight is watching. Fate seems to be smiling on the villains for some reason, as Ashfur’s plan to kill Squirrelflight’s family because she dumped him (seriously, WTF!?) is going to work without him actually putting any effort into it, until Squirrelflight reveals that they aren’t her kits.

The Three are obviously shocked. Ashfur, on the other hand, decides he’s going to publicly disclose this little tidbit at the Gathering to ruin Squirrelflight’s life. Ah, dick move Ashfur, dick mo...

But wait! His plan doesn’t work because before the Gathering, Ashfur is found dead... murdered. And someone is responsible!

ThunderClan is left with a murder mystery on their paws, and the Three are left with a secret that needs to be kept... secret (anyone got a thesaurus?).

Also, sticking true to the material I claim inspiration from, I take a cheap shot at 4Kids Entertainment. I am so proud of myself. :D

Well, enjoy!


Inspired by YuGiOh the Abridged Series by LittleKuriboh (CardGamesFTW)

I DO NOT OWN THESE CHARACTERS!

All characters are from WARRIORS by Erin Hunter
WARRIORS is © Harper Collins
Add a Comment:
 
:iconferncloud22:
Ferncloud22 Featured By Owner Jul 23, 2014  Student General Artist
And fencloud didn't even care about her dead brother! (I love ferncloud, but that was just cold...)
Reply
:iconnightcool:
Nightcool Featured By Owner May 24, 2014  Student General Artist
I loved the last two parts.
Reply
:iconshadowclandewdrop:
ShadowClanDewdrop Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Jayfeather: This is like that episode of The Simpsons where Maggie shot Mr. Burns...  Except replace "Mr. Burns" with "Ashfur", and "shot" with "tore open his throat and pushed him into a river".
Reply
:iconevilkitten3:
Evilkitten3 Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Ashfur: I hate you now! Apparently!
Squirrelflight: This series is turning into a bad Don Bluth movie. Actually, let me rephrase that: This series is just turning into a Don Bluth movie.
Reply
:iconapocalypticnazi:
ApocalypticNazi Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2011  Student Writer
Hollyleaf: BITCHSLAP!!!! XD
Reply
:iconflightfootwarrior:
flightfootwarrior Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2011
Leafpool: Where's Jaypaw?
Hollyleaf: He's out playing with his stick.
Leafpool: Oh... I see... Well, it is tough when you realise that as a medicine cat, you can't take a mate. I should know how hard it is to resist urges. I mean, whenever Crowfeather starts acting edgy, it gets me all...
Hollyleaf: What does this have to do with that stick Jaypaw found out by the lake?
Leafpool: Oh, you meant... Right, yes. Erm, please disregard everything you just heard.
Hollyleaf: But I don't even...
Leafpool: DISREGARD!

the best part XD I was thinking that too,about Millie and the shots,I was like "wait,if she got Vet shots or whatever,then how the HELL did she end up being the first character to get sick?friggin plot holes.."
Reply
:icondroemar:
Droemar Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2011
Heathertail: I dunno, maybe I'm just a bitch.

Probably the closest thing to a true cat in the entire Warriors series.
Oh, man. I love you so much. I really have a problem with Warriors, and you've pointed out so many of the things that drive me crazy. Like freedom of religion and democracy being "evil" to animals that are largely known for their inability to give a fuck ...
Reply
:iconjade9191998:
jade9191998 Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2011
Lionblaze: I can beat you in a fight if I have to.
Ashfur: "Beat me in a fight"? Don't you mean kill me? Who do you think you are, a character in an anime dubbed by 4Kids?
Me: *in the background* 4Kids sucks!
Reply
:iconhyperadam:
hyperadam Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2011
BLASPHEMY.

Stop, or 4Kids will shoot you with their invisible guns!
Reply
:iconjade9191998:
jade9191998 Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2011
caring? i think not. theyll just censor it. i cant be killed if it censored and thats the way it is .
Reply
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