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As A Clan Cat I Will Not...As a Clan cat, I will not…

1. Tell Tigerstar to get a life.
2. Make any remarks about Longtail compensating for something.
3. Ask Jayfeather "How many fingers am I holding up?"
4. Tell Crowfeather "I totally hit that" when talking about Leafpool or Feathertail.
5. Ask Ravenpaw and Barley who's on top.
6. Refer to Crowfeather as "Crowy", Jayfeather as "Jay-Jay", Tigerstar as "Tiggystar", etc.
7. Make any remarks about the length of Jayfeather's stick.
8. Make any remarks about Lionblaze exploring Heathertail's tunnels.
9. Make any remarks about how Hollyleaf never did anything that can be used as a sexual innuendo.
10. Taunt Cro
Lessons: WarriorsThe Lessons Warriors Has Taught Us :

1. Violence doesn't solve all problems, but it does solve some.  And they should be solved very violently.
2. Cats can have accents.
3. Old people are funny.
4. If your girlfriend dies, the default response is to sleep with her sister.
5. No matter how right you are, you're still wrong in some way.
6. Your logic doesn't have to make sense if you're angry enough.
7. Always use a condom.
8. Killing your half-brother solves all of your problems for 6-12 months.
9. Having fangirls gives you the right to do virtually anything without being considered evil *cough*Ashfur*cough*Scourge*cough*.
The Crow and The Jay Crowfeather drifted uneasily through his dreams that night.  What Hollyleaf had revealed at the recent Gathering had almost destroyed everything that he had worked so hard to build.  He had just barely managed to save his reputation.
But at what cost? He thought, recalling the harsh words he had said to Leafpool.
Trying to shake off his feelings of regret he continued to stumble through moor until he heard a noise nearby calling for him.
"Hello?" a voice mewed in the distance.
Crowfeather froze.  Who – or what – could be calling for him?  Suddenly a small grey body popped up over the hills
"There you are," it meowed.  Cr
I'm Sorry. Leafpool wandered through the undergrowth near the stream bordering ThunderClan and WindClan.  She was searching for berries and trying to wrap her head around the events of the past few sunrises.
Suddenly, she heard a cat hiss her name from a nearby bush.  Startled, she followed the voice until she saw whose it was.
"Crowfeather!" She gasped as she saw the grey black tom crouched under the bush.
Both cats tensed as they saw each other, and an awkward silence filled the air for a few heartbeats.
"I wanted to talk to you," Crowfeather murmured, looking down, "About what happened at the Gathering.  Is it really true, what Hollyleaf sai
Chpt.9-BloodlinesSquirrelflight couldn’t believe the words that escaped Bramblestar’s lips in the form of a whisper. They sounded so unnatural placed together like that. Like a lie.
 “No…” She whispered softly, forcing her paws to stumble forward. “How can this be?” she asked, coming to a halt before the tawny colored cat who lay limp on the ground next to Squirrelflight’s mate, Bramblestar.
 “I…I don’t know.” He murmured, voice hard and cold. Squirrelflight leaned forward to press her nose gently to Tawnypelt’s dappled fur; Sure enough it was cold. Not even the ghost of a whisper passed o
Taboo and Liberation 2 of 5Title: Taboo and Liberation, Part 2/5
Author: Kyrianne
Fandom: Red vs Blue
Pairing: Grif/Simmons
Rating: R
Word Count: 2238
Summary: Through a single drastic act, Simmons sets a new path for himself that he never knew existed, and he's not sure if he wants to take it.
Disclaimer: I am neither a Rooster nor a Teeth.
A/N: I'm sure you all hate me for the last part. I hope this will make it up to you.

---

He was suddenly aware of himself drifting through a thick fog of blackness. He tried to move, but found himself immobile. It didn't worry him. He wondered if this was the afterlife.

The nothingness was calming. Soothing.

"Simmons!"
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Lessons: TWEWYThe Lessons The World Ends with You Has Taught Us :

1. If you don't have a cell phone, you're screwed when you die.
2. If you don't live in certain cities, you're screwed when you die.
3. 90% of people who die are 15.
4. The afterlife is run mostly by teenagers.
5. Snakes are overrated.
6. Dead people can text message living people's brains.
7. Eating food makes you stronger.
8. Stickers, pins, and other accessories can give you special abilities.
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11. People who are very strong have a tendency to keep the top two buttons of their shirt undone.
12. Shoot
Lessons: Ace AttorneyThe Lessons Ace Attorney Has Taught Us :

1. The correct response to any question is "OBJECTION!"
2. If you are having trouble winning an argument, you obviously aren't yelling loudly enough.
3. There are no limits to the amount of caffeine a human being can consume.
4. Prosecutors are given an unnecessary amount of authority and respect and can pretty much do whatever they want.
5. The opposite extreme applies to defence attorneys.
6. It is possible to kill someone with a postage stamp.
7. Doctors have so little faith in modern medicine that they actually called a disease "Incuritis" because they though it would never be cured.
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Lessons: WarriorsThe Lessons Warriors Has Taught Us :

1. Violence doesn't solve all problems, but it does solve some.  And they should be solved very violently.
2. Cats can have accents.
3. Old people are funny.
4. If your girlfriend dies, the default response is to sleep with her sister.
5. No matter how right you are, you're still wrong in some way.
6. Your logic doesn't have to make sense if you're angry enough.
7. Always use a condom.
8. Killing your half-brother solves all of your problems for 6-12 months.
9. Having fangirls gives you the right to do virtually anything without being considered evil *cough*Ashfur*cough*Scourge*cough*.
I'm Sorry. Leafpool wandered through the undergrowth near the stream bordering ThunderClan and WindClan.  She was searching for berries and trying to wrap her head around the events of the past few sunrises.
Suddenly, she heard a cat hiss her name from a nearby bush.  Startled, she followed the voice until she saw whose it was.
"Crowfeather!" She gasped as she saw the grey black tom crouched under the bush.
Both cats tensed as they saw each other, and an awkward silence filled the air for a few heartbeats.
"I wanted to talk to you," Crowfeather murmured, looking down, "About what happened at the Gathering.  Is it really true, what Hollyleaf sai

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Warriors Abridged - LS

:iconhyperadam:

--Long Shadows--

Jaypaw: That's what I was saying.  Sure, we can't do without the warrior code, but there are times when it's right to break it.  Great StarClan!  When we were kits, didn't we hear stories about Firestar breaking the warrior code if he thought it was right?
Lionblaze: If that's the case, couldn't we just ditch the warrior code and live our lives based on right and wrong?
Hollyleaf: BLASPHEMY! *bitch slap*

Dawnpaw: Why not feed them poppy seeds and drag them to the place?
Flamepaw: Yes!  Drugging people solves all problems!

Lionblaze: Wait, so we're going to get ShadowClan to believe in StarClan again by ripping freaking trees out of the ground?
Jaypaw: Yes.  Yes we are.
Lionblaze: Awesome.

*After one of Lionblaze's dreams about Heathertail*
Lionblaze: I don't want to kill her in a HORRIBLY violent fashion, just a MILDLY violent fashion.

Jaypaw: Wait...  Didn't Millie say she got shots so she couldn't get sick?  How does she have Greencough now?
Leafpool: I dunno, maybe they wore off.  Or it's just a plot hole.

*Cats meeting in StarClan*
Silverstream: Random Silverstream cameo!
Bluestar: Um, yeah.  Good for you.

Jaypaw: The silver cat who died...
Graystripe: Which one?  My mate or my daughter?  Too many silver and gray cats die in this series...

*Jayfeather leaving to walk in Kestrelpaw's dream*
Leafpool: *talking in her sleep* Mmmm... Crowfeather...  Is that your tail, or are you just happy to see me? ...
Jaypaw: Ummm...

Kestrelpaw: Hi, Jaypaw!
Jaypaw: Ummm... Aren't you at all surprised to see me in your dreams?
Kestrelpaw: No, not at all.  You're in my dreams every night.
Jaypaw: What?
Kestrelpaw: So where do you wanna do it tonight?
Jaypaw: WHAT!?

Jaypaw: (I always though Kestrelpaw was stupid, but Great StarClan, is he STUPID!)

Firestar: Graystripe, if Millie's paws are truly set on the path to StarClan, then I'll send for you to say good-bye.  I promise you.
Graystripe: Well that doesn't cheer me up at all!

Dark Whiskers: What's going on here?
Stone Song: Oh, it's you Dark Whiskers.  Jay's Wing has had a dream about stone hills and falling water, and then Half Moon started trying to mate with him...
Jaypaw: I... feel... so... AWKWARD!

Jaypaw: *looking at Owl Feather* (She looks just like Kestrelpaw... Only the opposite gender... This is so scarring...)

*Jaypaw at the casting of the stones*
Jaypaw: What sort of way is this to run a Clan?  Democracy?  I've never heard of anything so ridiculous in my life!

Leafpool: Where's Jaypaw?
Hollyleaf: He's out playing with his stick.
Leafpool: Oh... I see... Well, it is tough when you realise that as a medicine cat, you can't take a mate.  I should know how hard it is to resist urges.  I mean, whenever Crowfeather starts acting edgy, it gets me all...
Hollyleaf: What does this have to do with that stick Jaypaw found out by the lake?
Leafpool: Oh, you meant... Right, yes. Erm, please disregard everything you just heard.
Hollyleaf: But I don't even...
Leafpool: DISREGARD!

Leafpool: You should take every chance you can to be a good father.  It's even better than being a mentor.
Spiderleg: No such thing!

Heathertail: Go, and don't come back.  You can take the catmint.  I've no quarrel with ThunderClan; I don't want to see cats suffer, whatever you might think.
Lionblaze: If you don't care about me taking the catmint, why the hell did you bother following and confronting me like this?
Heathertail: I dunno, maybe I'm just a bitch.

Brambleclaw: Jaypaw, can I have a word?
Jayfeather: Sure, and it's Jayfeather now.
*silence*
Brambleclaw: Yeah, sure, whatever... Well as I was saying...

Ashfur: I have no quarrel with Brambleclaw.
Lionblaze: *whispering* That's not what it sounds like to me.  
Ashfur: I couldn't care less about Brambleclaw, it's not his fault he fell for a faithless she-cat.  I know you think I've never forgiven Brambleclaw for stealing you from me, but you're wrong, and so is every cat that thinks so.  My quarrel is with you Squirrelflight.  It always has been.
Squirrelflight: Wait, WHAT?  If this was about Brambleclaw, you could get away with just being a psychotic jerk, but now you're... I don't know what!  You're not even making any sense anymore!

Ashfur: Upset?  I'm not upset.  You have no idea how much pain I'm in.  It's like being cut open every day and bleeding onto the stones.  I can't understand how any of you failed to see the blood...
Squirrelflight: Oh, shut up.  Just because you came up with an extremely emo metaphor for your pain doesn't mean it justifies several counts of attempted murder.  I mean, you're better off than a lot of characters in this series...

Hollyleaf: I knew it! There's nothing special about us!  You're just really good at fighting, and as for Jayfeather -- well he's a medicine cat, of course he's going to have dreams!
Lionblaze: But I'm unnaturally strong, plus that doesn't explain how I feel when I fight either...
Jayfeather: Also, I can sense feelings, walk in other cats' dreams, and I know stuff other medicine cats don't.  How can you explain that?
Hollyleaf: SHUT UP!  I'm trying to temporarily resolve the conflict!
Jayfeather: You're just jealous because you haven't discovered your powers yet...
Hollyleaf: SHUT UP!

Lionblaze: I can beat you in a fight if I have to.
Ashfur: "Beat me in a fight"?  Don't you mean kill me?  Who do you think you are, a character in an anime dubbed by 4Kids?

Ashfur: Are you threatening me?  I could break your neck with one swipe.
Jayfeather: What? Um, no.  No one could do that.  That is actually physically impossible.
Ashfur: Sorry, I'm new to the whole "evil" thing...

Dustpelt: It's Ashfur.
Jayfeather: *fist pump* YES!  He's dead!
Dustpelt: What was that?
Jayfeather: I mean...  How...sad...

Brackenfur: Are you saying one of us killed Ashfur?
Firestar: No, but it sounds like someone has a guilty conscious... BRACKENFUR!
Brackenfur: Gah!  I-I didn't...
Firestar: Ha, I was just joking! ... But seriously, one of us is a murderer.

Jayfeather: This is like that episode of The Simpsons where Maggie shot Mr. Burns...  Except replace "Mr. Burns" with "Ashfur", and "shot" with "tore open his throat and pushed him into a river".

---  ---
:iconhyperadam:
Hello, everyone.

As promised, I’m uploading some of my tPoT abridged stuff, because it is somewhat meatier.

So here is Long Shadows:

With Sol now in charge, ShadowClan has decided to abandon faith in StarClan. Apparently, freedom of religion is absolutely horrible, and Hollyleaf is afraid of what will happen. The fact that they meet a patrol of ShadowClan warriors that seem to be supportive of Sol’s views scares her even more. Because Sol must be manipulating them. There is simply no chance that they might, y’know, actually believe this stuff of their own free will.

Armed with this relatively misaimed viewpoint, she urges Jaypaw and Lionblaze to help her to get ShadowClan to believe in the warrior code again, because in her mind, not believing in it means voluntarily breaking every single one of its rules and abandoning any sense of decency.

Although Jaypaw and Lionblaze are busy with their blindness and tendency for sickening violence respectively, they decide to help out after seeing what is going on in ShadowClan camp, and Tawnypelt and her kits come to ThunderClan to escape Sol. Y’know, so far only Littlecloud, Tawnypelt, and her kits seem to disapprove of Sol. He’s got a higher approval rating than Bush did...

Now allied with their parallel-ShadowClan-clones, the Three head to ShadowClan with a plan to take Sol out of power, so that ShadowClan won’t trespass into other Clans’ territories to rape medicine cats on the full moon while abusing kits and starving the elders, or whatever Hollyleaf thought they would get up to without the warrior code.

After their plan succeeds, Jaypaw busies himself with a Greencough epidemic that has broken out in ThunderClan, and trying to make sense of the plot. Like he always does when he has a problem, he looks to the stick for a solution, and he ends up temporarily in past.

He meets up with cats that are apparently the Tribe of Rushing Water’s ancestors, just without the accents. His Clan accent somehow not standing out among all Ancient Tribe accents that these cats should theoretically have, Jaypaw discovers how their society works, and how they became the Tribe.

Meanwhile, Lionblaze spends most of his time being tortured by horrifically violent nightmares of him killing Heatherpaw sent to him by Tigerstar, who can apparently control dreams now. This seems to suggest he is getting stronger, making us think “Hmmm, maybe we should have, y’know, done something about him earlier, back when he couldn’t do crazy stuff like this.”

Jaypaw manages to cure the Greencough epidemic by getting Lionblaze to steal some catmint from WindClan, and saves Millie, since considering how much Graystripe seems to care about her, killing her now would be a dick move even by the Erins’ standards. It seems that all of the conflicts outside of anything that has to do with the prophecy have been resolved, until a somewhat contrived series of events leads Ashfur to be in a situation where he finally has everything he has apparently wanted for the entire series.

He doesn’t just get an opportunity to kill Squirrelflight’s kits, it’s a slow, painful death, and Squirrelflight is watching. Fate seems to be smiling on the villains for some reason, as Ashfur’s plan to kill Squirrelflight’s family because she dumped him (seriously, WTF!?) is going to work without him actually putting any effort into it, until Squirrelflight reveals that they aren’t her kits.

The Three are obviously shocked. Ashfur, on the other hand, decides he’s going to publicly disclose this little tidbit at the Gathering to ruin Squirrelflight’s life. Ah, dick move Ashfur, dick mo...

But wait! His plan doesn’t work because before the Gathering, Ashfur is found dead... murdered. And someone is responsible!

ThunderClan is left with a murder mystery on their paws, and the Three are left with a secret that needs to be kept... secret (anyone got a thesaurus?).

Also, sticking true to the material I claim inspiration from, I take a cheap shot at 4Kids Entertainment. I am so proud of myself. :D

Well, enjoy!


Inspired by YuGiOh the Abridged Series by LittleKuriboh (CardGamesFTW)

I DO NOT OWN THESE CHARACTERS!

All characters are from WARRIORS by Erin Hunter
WARRIORS is © Harper Collins
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:iconevilkitten3:
~Evilkitten3 Jun 5, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Ashfur: I hate you now! Apparently!
Squirrelflight: This series is turning into a bad Don Bluth movie. Actually, let me rephrase that: This series is just turning into a Don Bluth movie.
Reply
:iconmegabloodyb:
*MegaBloodyB Nov 5, 2011  Student Writer
Hollyleaf: BITCHSLAP!!!! XD
Reply
:iconflightfootwarrior:
~flightfootwarrior Oct 19, 2011
Leafpool: Where's Jaypaw?
Hollyleaf: He's out playing with his stick.
Leafpool: Oh... I see... Well, it is tough when you realise that as a medicine cat, you can't take a mate. I should know how hard it is to resist urges. I mean, whenever Crowfeather starts acting edgy, it gets me all...
Hollyleaf: What does this have to do with that stick Jaypaw found out by the lake?
Leafpool: Oh, you meant... Right, yes. Erm, please disregard everything you just heard.
Hollyleaf: But I don't even...
Leafpool: DISREGARD!

the best part XD I was thinking that too,about Millie and the shots,I was like "wait,if she got Vet shots or whatever,then how the HELL did she end up being the first character to get sick?friggin plot holes.."
Reply
:icondroemar:
~Droemar Sep 2, 2011
Heathertail: I dunno, maybe I'm just a bitch.

Probably the closest thing to a true cat in the entire Warriors series.
Oh, man. I love you so much. I really have a problem with Warriors, and you've pointed out so many of the things that drive me crazy. Like freedom of religion and democracy being "evil" to animals that are largely known for their inability to give a fuck ...
Reply
:iconjade9191998:
~jade9191998 Aug 19, 2011
Lionblaze: I can beat you in a fight if I have to.
Ashfur: "Beat me in a fight"? Don't you mean kill me? Who do you think you are, a character in an anime dubbed by 4Kids?
Me: *in the background* 4Kids sucks!
Reply
:iconhyperadam:
~hyperadam Aug 20, 2011
BLASPHEMY.

Stop, or 4Kids will shoot you with their invisible guns!
Reply
:iconjade9191998:
~jade9191998 Aug 21, 2011
caring? i think not. theyll just censor it. i cant be killed if it censored and thats the way it is .
Reply
:iconhyperadam:
~hyperadam Aug 23, 2011
Ah, but they'll just send you to the Shadow Realm, instead. Which is arguably worse.
Reply
:iconjade9191998:
~jade9191998 Aug 30, 2011
yeah...
Reply
:iconwolffar:
!wolffar May 25, 2011
Jaypaw: The silver cat who died...
Graystripe: Which one? My mate or my daughter? Too many silver and gray cats die in this series...
Jaypaw: wait, I'm gray, and I'm a protagonist who doesn't have a mate, an to top it off I'm blind, well it's official, I almost certainly die at the end of the prophecy.
me: well, you'll still get props for being the most bad-ass medicine cat ever.
Reply
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